Navigating the shift from a romantic relationship to a coparenting relationship isn’t always easy. Conflict with your coparent is to be expected as a normal part of the adjustment. But with careful planning, many parents navigate the sometimes-turbulent waters of early co-parenting and eventually find their flow.
With a little patience and hard work, most families emerge stronger after divorce, and others even grow into blended families settled into new traditions and roles.
Many parents worry about the impact their divorce or separation might have on their children. Research indicates that children of divorced parents can thrive just as well as the children of intact families. When coparents are cooperative, low-conflict, and prioritize their children’s needs, children of divorce thrive emotionally, socially, and academically.
The research is consistent. It isn’t divorce that hurts children. It’s exposure to conflict, uncertainty, stress, and tension. In fact, children who live with high conflict parents who don’t get divorced tend to do worse than children of divorced parents who managed to develop a parenting plan that shields them from conflict. (See the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health).
In many cases, parents who get divorced protect their children from a childhood of high conflict, uncertainty, stress, and tension—but only when they find a way to coparent that protects their children from ongoing parental conflict.
This Truce® Law guide is designed to help you collaboratively navigate the challenges of coparenting. This guide can help you whether you’re just starting to think about your parenting plan, or are in the middle of creating one.
- What is Collaborative Coparenting?
- Calming Your Nervous System
- Supporting Your Children Emotionally
- Communication with Your Co-Parent
- Finding a Coparenting Schedule That Actually Works
- Pick-Ups and Drop-Offs
- Setting Consistent Rules in Both Households
- Co-Parenting Goals
- How Collaborative Divorce Supports Collaborative Co-Parenting
What is Collaborative coparenting?
Collaborative coparenting is a coparenting style where both parents agree to work out their disagreements entirely or largely outside of court. Parents work together and with their attorneys or mediators to develop a parenting plan that works for their family. Strong communication is the foundation of collaborative coparenting.
According to the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, “Cooperative coparenting is defined as the extent to which partners work together as a team, show active support for one another’s interventions with the child, and communicate to the child with a climate of mutual loyalty.”
Rather than leaving crucial decisions about their children’s lives to a judge who is a stranger, collaborative coparents work together and with their collaborative attorneys or a mediator to find solutions to their coparenting challenges.
In high-conflict cases, parents might choose to hire child therapists, child specialists, or co-parenting coaches to help them make decisions in the children’s best interest rather than waiting for the court to appoint a guardian ad litem. A guardian ad litem can sometimes make recommendations that neither parent wants. By hiring professionals of their choosing and working with them to make decisions, parents remain in the decision-making loop.
Mediators, collaborative divorce lawyers, child specialists, and child counselors can help parents negotiate complex parenting issues including parenting schedules, holiday planning, decision making, and more—without involving the courts, judges, or an appointed guardian ad litem.
Collaborative coparents will often include mediation-first clauses in their parenting plans. In fact, it’s something Truce often sees included in prenuptial agreements and other family law contracts.
Should a dispute arise, or should one parent need to change the plan for any reason, both parents agree to attend mediation before taking the parenting plan to court.
Calming Your Nervous System
If good communication is the foundation of creating and executing a parenting plan, a calm nervous system is the prerequisite.
You can’t calm your children’s nervous system without first calming your own.
Divorce and separation bring changes that disrupt the whole family’s nervous system. Separation and divorce can change your friendship dynamics, shake up your social circle, and recalibrate relationships with extended family. You might have had to move to a new house or apartment, all while navigating what can sometimes be complicated legal and financial questions as you disentangle your lives.
The partner who initiated the divorce might be ready to move on, while the one who was left (and the children) might need more time to adjust.
Child specialist Kristin Little and co-parenting coach Karen Bonnell explain in the Co-Parenting Handbook: Raising Well-Adjusted and Resilient Kids from Little Ones to Young Adults Through Divorce or Separation, “The spouse who chooses to leave may have been leaving the marriage mentally, emotionally, and physically for two to five years before requesting a divorce.” This means that the parent and children who have just received the news might need some time to adjust.
The foundation of collaborative coparenting is a stable nervous system. Children look to their parents to help them regulate their nervous systems. When parents take steps to emotionally regulate and practice self-care, the children learn how to regulate their own emotions and care for themselves.
Co-parents shape the narrative of divorce for their children. How you navigate your own feelings and the story you tell your children will shape their understanding of what is happening. Bonnell and Little explain, “Humans create meaning together—it’s in relationship that context and meaning emerge.” They note that “If you were on a turbulent airplane flight, you might look to the flight attendants to see if there was reason to be worried or reassured.”
Children look to their co-parents to gauge how scared or worried they should be. This doesn’t mean parents should avoid expressing emotions, but instead, they should present a calm front, one founded in hope, confidence, and resiliency in the face of hard things.
This might mean disrupting, interrupting, and changing your thought patterns when you find yourself feeling anger. It might mean saying a mantra whenever strong feelings come up. Bonell and Little offer a good one: “I’m sorry I was unable to love you in a way that met your needs, to take care of you in the way that you expected, and to be the person you wanted me to be.”
It might mean taking time for therapy or counseling, so that you can do the grief work that often includes self-examination and eventually self-forgiveness that can lead to forgiveness of your spouse. You don’t need to rush this work, but as Bonell and Little explain, you also don’t want to “put logs on a fire.”
It might mean making sure you get enough sleep. That you take the time to feed yourself a healthy meal.
Your children are watching how you care for yourself. It’s okay for children to see you move through the full range of emotions, but be sure that when you express your strong emotions, you make space for your children to express theirs too, and offer reassurance that even though you’re sad or angry, you’re still there to help them navigate their big feelings.
Supporting You Children Emotionally
When children learn about their parents’ divorce, they go through a grieving process.
Oona Metz, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, and the author of Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women, explains in her book, “It is normal and appropriate for children to feel sad, angry, and confused during this time.” Metz encourages parents to give their children space to express their feelings, and to acknowledge that feelings like sadness, anger, and confusion are normal.
Children experience heartbreak when they learn about their parents’ divorce. It’s wise to remember that this time brings many changes all at once: less time with each parent and changes to their living arrangements, and home.
Parents can support their children by reassuring them, reminding them that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents love them.
Children may need different levels of support, depending on their ages.
Infants may need special schedules to accommodate breastfeeding.
Toddlers need routine.
Younger school-aged children often need extra reassurance that they will be able to see both parents regularly. They might experience stress somatically, like a stomachache, or headache, or they might be more irritable. Children at this age can express simple feelings and should be encouraged to do so. Parents can let teachers and guidance counselors know what is going on at home, so that they can receive extra support at school, as needed.
School-age children might need more space to express their emotions, and calm reassurance that both parents are there to take care of them. Children at this age can be more sensitive to schedule changes and alterations of their routines.
Teenagers might turn to their peers for support. Clear parental expectations and structure can help. Parents might want to offer counseling or therapy to help them through divorce. However, unless there is a safety concern or a drug or alcohol problem, teens shouldn’t be forced into therapy unless they want to go.
Older teens might try to find vulnerabilities in co-parenting relationship and are quick to find areas where both parents are not on the same page. Teens are better supported when co-parents can communicate and get on the same page about major issues, like dating, curfews, and punishments like grounding.
Adult children might also need support as well. Even though they might not be living with you, and have their own lives, your divorce might worry them. They want you to be happy and loved, and if they have children, they might have concerns about how this will impact their children, holidays, and family gatherings.
At any age, children benefit most from reassurance that you love them. They benefit when parents take steps to reduce tension and conflict in the home during this difficult transition period.
What are some key things you can do to support your children emotionally?
- Let your children know you love them.
- Remind them that divorce is not their fault.
- Don’t speak poorly about your ex in front of your children. If you need to express difficult emotions, seek the help of a support group, counselor, therapist, or friend.
- Have difficult conversations with your ex in private. Don’t fight in front of the children.
- Inform your children about the parenting schedule in an age-appropriate way (younger children can count down the days until they see their other parent using visual calendars like marbles in a jar, or chocolates in an advent calendar, while older children might want to use shared digital calendars.)
- Be consistent with pick-ups and drop-offs, and try to avoid changes to the schedule, especially in the early days of this transition.
- Check in with your children and give them space to express their feelings.
- Pay attention to the words you use, your body language, and gestures. Your children are watching.
Communication with Your Co-Parent
When you are a co-parent, you literally inhabit two minds. There’s the mind that still feels the rage, anger, and sadness of your divorce—the feelings of abandonment, betrayal, resentment. As Little and Bonnell explain in the Co-Parenting Handbook, “Co-parenting with someone who still provokes or triggers strong emotion can be challenging and resounding.” At times, you might be able to put your feelings into the larger context—this person is my child’s parent; they show up for my child; my child loves them.
Shifting your frame of reference in this way when approaching your co-parent relationship can help you navigate its challenges.
Little and Bonnell offer some simple tips to help protect your healing, while navigating necessary co-parenting communication:
- Limit your contact with your co-parent to communication that supports co-parenting, while eliminating unnecessary interaction. Create a new email address your spouse can use to send you updates or use communication and planning tools like Our Family Wizard.
- Create an “elevator speech” to communicate what’s going on to the wider community, like teachers, school counselors, health care providers, neighbors, members of your church, or other groups. Keep it simple. We have some difficult news to share. After much thought, we have decided to divorce. Our priority now is to support our children. We appreciate your respect for our privacy at this time. Be mindful of who you choose to share more with. You don’t want children overhearing things about your divorce they are not emotionally prepared to handle, and you don’t want them to learn things from town gossip, or worse, from one of their peers.
Finding a Coparenting Schedule That Actually Works
The best co-parenting schedules focus less on the quantity of time that each parent spends with the children and instead focus on the quality of time spent. Children do best when both parents are actively involved in their lives. For many parents this means choosing a 50-50 parenting time split, or something close to it, but every family is different.
When parents live far apart from one another, or when one parents’ schedule doesn’t permit an even split, parents often find creative ways to stay in their children’s lives—from frequent Zoom calls to summer holidays with the kids—families find solutions that work.
In the past, courts focused on custody and visitation rights, but as research on child wellbeing during divorce has improved, courts have shifted from frameworks that favor shared custody and decision-making.
Common 50-50 splits that work:
- Monday & Tuesday with one parent. Wednesday and Thursday with the other. Parents alternate weekends (Friday – Sunday).
- Alternating weeks with each parent. This can work for older children and teens, but may not be best for younger children, who need to see both parents more often.
Of course, these aren’t the only 50-50 schedules that work, and many parents might find that other parenting time splits serve their schedules better. At Truce, we work with clients to tailor a parenting plan that meets the specific needs of the family and the children.
It’s important to be flexible with the schedule and consider that as your children get older, their needs and the schedule might need to change.
The best parenting plan is the one that meets your scheduling needs and works for your children.
Pick-Ups and Drop-Offs
According to Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Oona Metz, it’s best if parents drop off their children rather than pick them up. As Metz explains in Unhitched, “Symbolically, one parent is not taking the child away from the other. One parent is giving the child to their other parent.”
Other parents might choose a neutral location for pick-up and drop-off, like the child’s school or day care.
While the transition might be especially hard on parents, and while you’ll miss your children while they are away, it’s best to keep goodbyes simple, and brief.
Little and Bonnell explain in The Coparenting Handbook, “A parent’s separation anxiety…” can be something children “respond to by staying close to the emotionally overwhelmed parent, caring for and reassuring them.”
Letting your children go to the other parent’s home can be especially hard if you were the primary parent or default parent in your relationship. The time when your children are away with their other parent is a good time to explore your identity outside parenting. Some parents return to work, go back to school, explore new hobbies and friendships, or seek counseling or therapy.
Parents should handle carrying and dropping off luggage, bags, and big items between the homes.
Finally, children will forget things at the other parents’ house. Be compassionate and patient with your children when this happens. It is difficult to live in two homes.
Setting Consistent Rules in Both Households
Children benefit from routine and consistency. While both parents are legally able to set their own rules in their own homes about bedtimes, homework times, and what the children will eat, it can be beneficial when both households have similar expectations regarding homework, bedtimes, and diet.
This might lead to other important parenting questions, including, at what age will it be appropriate for your children to date, or drive? What time will their curfews be? What about sleepovers?
Sometimes parents just can’t agree. Their values are too different. The courts will enforce a parenting plan, but as long as the children aren’t in danger, no court is going to force your spouse to honor a specific bedtime or dating age.
If your spouse wants to feed your kids fast food during their parenting time, that’s their right (with the exception being that the child has a health condition or requires a special diet due to medical needs).
You might have to learn to let go in some instances, and in some cases, help your child navigate the different expectations present in both homes. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In life, we all have to navigate different spaces where the rules of behavior differ.
Co-Parenting Goals
Even when parents differ about rules and boundaries for their children, they can often agree that they want what’s best for their children; that they want their kids to thrive, to feel safe at home, that they want their kids to have opportunities, while also giving them space to just be kids.
Before you sit down to work on your parenting plan, take a moment to write down your larger goals for your children. You and your co-parent will find that you often share similar larger-picture goals. If you find yourself struggling to agree about anything, consider working with a child specialist or parenting coach.
How Collaborative Divorce Supports Collaborative Co-Parenting
Collaborative divorce is a process where both parents agree to work out a parenting plan outside of court. Rather than taking major conflicts to a judge, parents agree to negotiate a settlement with the assistance of their collaborative lawyers, and often in consultation with a child specialist, child counselor, or co-parenting coach. Collaborative divorce offers a team-based approach to divorce. The team can include child specialists, parenting coaches, counselors, and more.
Collaborative divorce lawyers are trained in mediation and are skilled in modelling communication methods that can help reduce the temperature both in divorce negotiations and in the co-parenting relationship to follow. In fact, many parents find that they can apply the communication skills they gain from the collaborative process to their co-parenting relationship.
Collaborative divorce isn’t just for low-conflict couples. Collaborative divorce lawyers work with amicable couples and high-conflict couples alike. Their goal is to help co-parents reach a divorce settlement and find a parenting plan that works—while keeping private family decisions private, the couple out of court, and these crucial decisions out of a judge’s hands.
Want to learn more about collaborative co-parenting? Book a Case Evaluation with Truce® Law to learn more.
This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Every situation is unique. For guidance specific to your circumstances, consult a licensed family law attorney in your area.